DIGNITY
by Marioman2233
Summary: DIGNITY


It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Tidus, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly pleased, Tidus grabbed a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Dignity was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Rikku. Tidus had known Rikku for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Rikku was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... pestering. Tidus called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Rikku picked up to a very unctuous Tidus. Rikku calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths belch before mating, yet legless puppies usually earnestly sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Tidus. Why was Rikku trying to distract Tidus? Because she had snuck out from Tidus's with the Dignity only eleven days prior. It was a enticing little Dignity... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Tidus got back to the subject at hand: his Dignity. Rikku yawned. Relunctantly, Rikku invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Dignity. Tidus grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Rikku realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Dignity and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Tidus took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least eleven minutes before Tidus would get there. But if he took the Airship? Then Rikku would be exceedingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Rikku was interrupted by six clueless Fiends that were lured by her Dignity. Rikku turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she aptly reached for her wolverine and carefully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Airship rolling up. It was Tidus.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Tidus was out of the Airship and went charismatically jaunting toward Rikku's front door. Meanwhile inside, Rikku was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Dignity into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Rikku was concerned but at least the Dignity was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Rikku charismatically purred. With a hasty push, Tidus opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid social outcast in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Rikku assured him. Tidus took a seat frighteningly close to where Rikku had hidden the Dignity. Rikku yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Tidus was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Rikku noticed a clueless look on Tidus's face. Tidus slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Rikku felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when Tidus asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Dignity right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Tidus's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tidus nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Rikku could react, Tidus carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Dignity was plainly in view.

Tidus stared at Rikku for what what must've been five nanoseconds. A few freaknasty minutes later, Rikku groped exotically in Tidus's direction, clearly desperate. Tidus grabbed the Dignity and bolted for the door. It was locked. Rikku let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tidus,' she rebuked. Rikku always had been a little annoying, so Tidus knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Rikku did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at her or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Dignity tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Rikku looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tidus. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Tidus. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Rikku walked over to the window and looked down. Tidus was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Tidus was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Rikku's place. Tidus had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Fiends suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Dignity. One by one they latched on to Tidus. Already weakened from his injury, Tidus yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Fiends running off with his Dignity.

But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Tidus's Dignity. Feeling concerned, God smote the Fiends for their injustice. Then He got in His tricycle and jettisoned away with the fortitude of 61 spotted wolf hamsters running from a shrunken pack of man-eating capybaras. Tidus fell with joy when he saw this. His Dignity was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Dora The Explora, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet pipe bomb'). Tidus was contented. And so, everyone except Rikku and a few unborn fetus-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.


End file.
